


there is something in my mind (keeps me up all night)

by girlsarewolves



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, POV Female Character, Post-Game(s), Tatiana makes a cameo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-19 07:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4738406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlsarewolves/pseuds/girlsarewolves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mind over matter, Kid. Mind over matter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there is something in my mind (keeps me up all night)

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to try my hand at writing Juli. Feedback appreciated!

* * *

Nothing can wash the taste of a mouth full of copper from her tongue. Bitter coffee doesn't erode it away; the scalding heat numbs her taste buds and her gums and the roof of her mouth, but still that lingering memory of blood.  
  
Occasionally she bites down hard on the inside of her cheek; licks at the tender spot to see if it tastes the same. Maybe it'll seem fresher, more potent, more _real_ but it's the exact same offending flavor.  
  
(Mind over matter, Kid, mind over matter.)  
  
There's an itch that draws a line across her palm and down her wrist. It never goes away. She can't shake the sensation of something crawling or slithering against her skin, underneath it. Like maggots constantly writhing, eating away.  
  
It's taken her weeks to train herself not to scratch it, but she's gotten much better.  
  
Drink her coffee, ignore the itch, remember they're always watching.  
  
Curiosity and scrutiny and wariness are all she gets from her follow agents; unreadable observation from her handler. It's the cool indifference of the Administrator's gaze that bothers her the most.  
  
There's a new report in her records on her latest performance. A copy of it rests crinkled and coffee stained on her desk.  
  
"There were complications, certainly. And not all the blame rests on you. You proved your worth, Kid, showed us what you're made of, what made us choose you to join us in the first place. We like fighters. We like survivors, especially the ones who know which side is the winning team. And no matter the outcome of Beacon Hospital and any setbacks, that hasn't changed."  
  
Sometimes he smiles at her; that gets her worse.  
  
Does he recognize something foreign in her (that's familiar to something foreign in him)? Is he considering the best way to use it to his advantage?  
  
Is she less expendable now because she made it out or because they now have matching scars?  
  
Her hand itches like crazy, and Kidman gags on the taste of blood (and rising bile) that fills her mouth. She can still hear the cruel voice of a ghost, whispering words he never spoke, only wrote down and scattered about for her to find. Like barely concealed breadcrumbs.  
  
(A planted seed will grow.)  
  
It's only the Administrator watching her.  
  
It's nothing except her own eyes looking back at her from the mirror.  
  
But she can't stand to meet either for too long (if she blinks the irises go pale and smug and he's laughing in her head, the sound echoing off her skull and through her brain, where he promised he'd make himself a little hole to burrow in and remain).  
  
Her handler, Agent Hanson - _Myra_ \- echoes the Administrator, tells her that despite what happened, she's a gambit that paid off, still valuable. Still needed. They just have to fake her disappearance, move her somewhere else (away from Sebastian, Myra doesn't say - and Juli wants to ask, wants to dig, wants to prod and poke like Myra used to do with her), start things over - but this is Mobius.  
  
Not a problem.  
  
"These things happen. We excel at having our agents back in the game quickly."  
  
Kidman's sick of games. Nothing but traps waiting for her to make one wrong more.  
  
And he certainly gave her her fill of traps.  
  
What about Leslie? she wants to ask Myra and Tatiana and the Administrator. What about Ruvik?  
  
She wants - _needs_ \- to know. Needs to find out what they're doing to contain him. To keep him from spreading (like a fucking weed). Juli is tired of being kept in the dark, tired of the itch in her left hand, and the nightmares that she's half convinced are reality, and all this...normality is nothing but a trick, a game, another of his traps.  
  
Because no matter how much coffee or alcohol she drinks, no matter how many times she washes her mouth and brushes her teeth, she cannot get rid of the taste of her own blood on her tongue.  
  
"You really should be careful, you don't want to re-open it," Tatiana remarks to her one day, detached and uninterested and far, far too invested in the way Juli's scratching the scar on her palm.  
  
(What's the matter, Kid? Feeling abandoned by the ones you trusted?)  
  
She tells herself it doesn't itch. Digs her nails into her palm until there are angry, red, little crescents imprinted in her skin. It doesn't itch. She has a meeting with the Administrator today, her new life and old loyalties hanging in the balance; Myra will be there to watch her, study her. Juli takes a deep breath and uncurls her fists when she exhales.  
  
Her left palm doesn't itch.  
  
She doesn't taste blood on her tongue.  
  
Mind over matter.


End file.
